Hmm, If this post goes out it’ll be to much internal debate in my head.
I am gay, and by definition a gay games programmer. I want to write about how being gay has effected my life in terms of my working career.
I don’t hold much in the “gay community”. I tend to think of gay people with very diverse backgrounds. I only act as myself normally, and most of my gay friends do as well. There is a certain amount of expected behaviour in the community in how you’re supposed to act if your gay, but the reality is I like guys and that’s about the end of how being gay effects my personality. People who know me, I hope, see me as a nice guy and I hope they see all of me just not that I am gay.
I also am not the typical gay person in terms of looks/appearance. I have no dress sense; I don’t wear tight fitting clothes. I don’t have the normal physique; I am a bit on the chubby side.
I have found being gay in the workplace has been tough at times. I remember my first job at MYOB, they just had a set of redundancies. A group of fellow employees gathered around near my workstation and said “Oh my god we got rid of one of those”, and they were all talking how relieved they were to have a gay employee let go during the redundancies. No mention that he was a fellow colleague and had just lost his job, it was all about just one aspect of his life and that was it. This event affected me but not in a good way.
I joined the gaming industry because I wanted something with challenge and creativity. I decided when I was working for MYOB and later Élite working on tax software that gaming was what I wanted to do. I ended up spending a fortune buying games book after games book on Amazon, this was before they were easy to get hold of. As a high school dropout my maths skills were shocking, and I knew from all the research I had done that I needed to improve. I spent 2.5 years learning the maths required, much of which I would of learnt during high school.
I then got my final big break into the games industry. Ratbag was an amazing experience for me. I have many fond memories from my time there, including my first pub-crawl, through the streets of Adelaide. The job came at a good time, almost a week after breaking up with my first boyfriend I got the call to come for the interview. It was just the thing to boost my spirits. Unfortunately Ratbag only lasted for a few months before things didn’t go well. I got told I wasn’t going to pass my probation, and was given a generous payout and I headed back to Melbourne.
IR Gurus/Transmission was my next stop. It took around 6 months to find this job. As a junior in the games industry it’s hard to land on your feet again, and I spent many an hour going to interviews. Having Ratbag on the resume did help to a degree. At IR Gurus I was told I was going to be on a 3-month contract. I basically spent about a week doing the job they hired me to-do, then I was given other duties pretty much straight away and quickly became full time. I spent a year at IR Gurus working on their sports titles.
I ended up forcing myself into the role of graphics programmer. So I ended up rewriting a lot of the graphic engine for the players, and I think I ended up improving how things worked. In terms of my gay life it was quite hard to IR Gurus, the guys in the sports team I felt were pretty homophobic, making homophobic jokes all over the place. IR Gurus had two very different cultures because when I joined two companies combined together into one, there was “That Game” who worked on Heroes over the Pacific and IR Gurus who worked on the sports title. The “That Game” team were cool; I had issues with the IR Gurus team. I was never happy at IR Gurus due to other factors as well, such as bad working conditions. They were continually “asking” us to work weekends, public holidays, and they were late with our monthly pays continuously. I ended up having one of the worst working morale’s in my working life there. I almost got out of games. I ended up quitting and was contemplating going overseas to work. I put my resumes around to different companies. I ended up quitting without another job to go to out of frustration.
Krome rang me about a week after quitting IR Gurus and asked me to-do a phone Interview, and later that month I accepted a offer to work in Brisbane. Now Krome was a interesting place to work for. I made tech for some very exciting games while I was at Krome, Viva Piñata Party Animals, Scene It: Box Office Smash and about half a dozen other titles. I was originally employed in the engine team only as a temporary position until a position on a game team opened up, but the guys were sufficiently impressed with my work so I was working on their tools inside the engine team. The engine team in Brisbane had a great vibe, interestingly enough they made gay jokes all the time but I was never fazed because it was always in good spirit. One of the fellow employees made a comment one day “If there was any gay guys on the team, I always wonder what they think”, and to be honest I never had any issues. The only issue I had was isolated to one employee who hated gay people with such distaste it was frightening in a way. Things were improving.
When Krome bought out Melbourne House I took the first opportunity to head back to Melbourne. Melbourne House was a great place to work. The engine team in Melbourne were some of the most experienced guys I’ve ever worked for, and I was learning things continuously. I had a very similar personality I felt to one of the other engine programmers, who had worked for Melbourne House the longest, so we had a great working relationship. There were also other gay employees in the office, they weren’t “open” in terms they tell everyone about their partners or something, but went with the policy if you asked they wouldn’t deny anything.
One thing that I always found annoying though is the fact that if people asked if I was gay I would always deny it. It would be very unpleasant feeling and I would instantly turn off. I had this happen a lot at Krome. I did tell one girl on my team I was gay, but that took a great deal of effort. She was great because she had a circle of friends who were gay. Also the employee who had been around Melbourne House for some time had a great attitude towards gay people. Generally the atmosphere around Melbourne House inspired me in a lot of ways. I guess I was having issues with my lead, I respected him a lot, but we had very different ways of working on things. He was very much dot all the i’s type, and make sure everything came in on time. I was very much the type that would underestimate the effort on things, which never fitted in well
. In some ways I regret leaving Krome, when I left it was for a position with more money and it was the first time I wasn’t leaving because I was unhappy.
Infinite Interactive was the next place. I really loved their games, part of the reason why I jumped ship. Infinite was very much extremes in terms of the working environment. There were things that were extremely good, and things that were extremely bad. There was no middle ground in terms of the experience there. The greats were the open doors to Steve office, I chatted to him for hours. I chatted to him about gay guys and he had some great stories about that. While he worked at Strategic Strategies Group, he said that boss there hated gay guys and promised never to hire any, but during one Christmas party about 4 employees all came out of the closet. Steve said he’s never had any issues with working with gay guys, used to-do Dancing as a hobby so had many gay friends. He would get upset if anyone had issues with gay people in his company. At Infinite there were 2 other gay employees that I know of, one was very openly gay and would talk about his partner (and they were practically married), the other was a bit more introverted anyway but never hid anything from anyone. I discovered I had good project management skills when I was there, I organised software purchasing, fixing of equipment, and fixing up the equipment. This was the extreme downside; I had such trouble with the IT equipment that was bought second hand it just ended up dominating all my time. It spilt over into all the other elements of my career, and I had angry people when my tools were late. I also felt like I was extremely unproductive while working there. I felt frustrated at myself while working there, I was in a relationship of sorts with a guy from New Zealand, and I physically could not tell anyone. One guy even asked me “Are you talking about a girl or guy?” and I couldn’t say, I just had a physical issue saying it out loud. In such a great environment for homosexual employees I should of been able to say something. The issues with the IT equipment, me working long hours, and I had started to go to Uni at that stage part time, meant I was getting angry, getting poorer and poorer in my health and something had to give. I was really enjoying Uni at this stage, more so than my working career, so I ended up quitting.
Hmm so then I ended up being a full time uni student. I have to admit I haven’t lost the buzz of enjoying learning yet. Part of the reason for doing Uni (well one reason amongst many) was to meet guys. I am very physically attracted to regular Uni going guys, and my ex from NZ was also doing CompSci. I have been doing uni now for a year and a half.
I have done a whole heap of games units at Monash. I have to admit it was a little tough. I was acting the introvert during the semester, when in fact I love being social (and introverted/extroverted I’m weird like that). I was just told by a few work colleagues at Infinite to lay low don’t let anyone know.
I’ve also started my own company doing some iPhone games. We applied for funding back in March but got declined and now I really want to focus in getting some tech done over the next few weeks. We couldn’t progress with the game until we knew what was happening with the funding, which was frustrating since the funding can only develop new stuff, not stuff already developed.
I went to the Monash Games Boot Camp; ironically I probably wouldn’t have issues with coming out to most people there. I found out a friend was gay there, and I found out another acquaintance was “bi”.
I guess if someone is reading this and maybe deciding to become a games programmer and is gay, take comfort, things are getting better. I would say that the games industry despite my earlier problems things have gotten a lot better, it is a creative industry so people are going to be from all sorts of backgrounds. If you’re in high school, Uni is a lot different; you’re going to have some level of acceptance in Uni. I personally dropped out of high school and part of that were the conflicting feelings of being gay. Don’t feel the need to be anyone but yourself, and realise that people have issues with being gay all the way in their 20s and I’m soon to see in their 30s I’m sure.
Also don’t let being Gay define who you are. I am starting to learn that emotionally it has to be a part of you but don’t let being Gay determine your actions. Your attracted to guys (or girls) and there are many elements that make up the rest of you. I believe the path to true integration into society is for people who are homophobic just to realise that gay guys and girls are just like them, they play games, they program, they go home to partners, they are short, they are tall, and they are chubby (like me), and some dress well, some don’t, some hit the gym every day, some don’t. I realised when I went through the stage of getting gay friends “hey these guys are just guys, with their good points and bad”.
I guess that’s why I have a fundamental issue with gay cultural stuff. I see gay bars as being a important thing, in terms you can go there and hit on someone and you know they aren’t going to get weirded out, but gay magazines and stuff are strange. You can find gay gaming magazines now, if I want to find out if a game is good enough, what does being gay have to-do with it? i.e. Halo 3 is going to suck if a straight or gay guy reviews the game.
*edit* I don’t want to be known as the gay games programmer, I don’t think its relevant most of the time. I don’t want to shout from the hilltops I’m gay or anything. The three things I consider important in a employer is,
1. Can I take my partner along to the christmas partner
2. Can I tell other colleagues about significant life events such as buying a house with a partner.
3. Ideally I don’t want a ton of gay jokes. It just makes it more comfortable without it.
Anyway, I hope someone finds this useful.